Aspirin Overdose: Funny joke

Aspirin Overdose

Jane calls the doctor in a panic. "Doctor, doctor! My little Jimmy swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do?"

The doctor asked Jane, "Are you sure it was a dozen?"

The frantic mother says, "Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death!"

The doctor tells the mother, "Calm down. Is little Jimmy crying?"

Jane says "No."

"Is he sleeping?" asks the doctor.

"No." says Jimmy's mom.

The doctor goes on with routine questions, "Is his color funny?"

Again Jane says "No."

"Did Jimmy throw up?" asks the methodical doctor.

"No." says the worried mom. "But I'm so scared. All that aspirin...shouldn't I do something?"

To which the doctor says, "Try giving him a headache."  

Be near me

Be near me now,
My tormenter , my love,
be near me --------
At this hour when night comes down,
When, having drunk from the gash of sunset, 
darkness comes
With the balm of musk in its hands, its diamond lancets, 
When it comes with cries of lamentation, 
with laughter with songs;
Its blue gray anklets of pain clinking with every sleep.
At this hour when hearts, deep in their hiding places,
Have begun to hope once more, when they start their vigil
For hands still enfolded in sleeves;
When wine being poured makes the sound of inconsolable children
Who, though you try with all your heart, can not be soothed.
When what ever you want to do can not be done,
When nothing is of any use;
- At this hour when night comes down,
When night comes, dragging its long face, 
dressed in mourning, 
Be with me, 
My tormenter, my love, be near me.

Just Ask Me : Educational Psychologist jokes

Just Ask Me

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me." 

Requesting a three day pass

Requesting a three day pass

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!" 

Local call

Local call 

Bush, Blair and Giriza died the same day and went to HELL together. Bored in Hell...all of them wanted to know whats going on in their country...Then they decided to make a call. All of them had limited money so they wanted to save money and make a short call. Blair wanted make a first call so he started and ended up talking 15 mins.....BUsh as usual loves to show off so he talked for 30 mins....Then was our Giriza's turn...He started talking ....10 mins-20mins-30mins-1hr-2hr.......he talked for 5 hrs and OK am tired of talking and i'll call u guyz later.....

Both Blair and bush were shocked to see that and said:... We are from such good countries, such rich countried...still we couldn't afford talking more than 30 mins...how can u afford to talk that long?

Giriza smiled and replied...Its a local call ( Hell to Hell )

Musharraf geting slap in tunnel

Musharraf geting slap in tunnel Vajpayee, Musharraf, Madhuri Dixit and Margaret Thatcher are traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Thatcher and Vajpayee are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharraf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Thatcher is thinking: "These Pakistanis are all crazy after Madhuri. Musharraf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him"

Madhuri is thinking: "Musharraf must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped."

Musharraf is thinking: "Damn! it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss Madhuri, she thought it was me and slapped! me."

Vajpayee is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharraf again."

The Music Teacher Jokes

The Music Teacher The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

She calls on Little Johnny in the back.

Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano."

Concert

My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend, Joannie are fans of 60's music. They recently got front- row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town. 

When they returned home from the concert that night, I wanted to hear all the details of the concert. My daughter says, "Mom, during the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eye glasses in the audience!"

Afraid of the Dark

Afraid of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." 

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." 

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" 

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. 

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, 

Counterfeiter

A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town with a single general merchandise store. He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Could you change this for me, please?" 

The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. "Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"

Woops...

In my husband's work for a cable-television company, he encounters illegal hookups that drive up costs for other customers. One day he arrived at a repair job just as the homeowner was pulling into the driveway. She pointed the way to the den, where the tv was located, and then walked out to get the mail.

As my husband approached the tv, he saw a note taped to the screen. It read: "Don't forget to hide the descramblers before the cable guy comes. Love, Tom."

Life of a Government Worker

- You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

- Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

- When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they are promoted.

- Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you to excel."

- Training is something spoken about but never seen.

- Vacation is something you roll over to next year.

- No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference.

- Change is the norm.

- Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years.

- The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.

- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

- You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position.